Thursday, September 16, 2004

Lust over Reason

Several outcomes were possible. He thought about it while the bus moved swiftly along the narrow road. He would be there in about two hours. What would happen then he could only speculate. He did not plan this trip. The idea to phone her had arisen during a beer with a friend. He told him about the first time he had met her. He told him about the way her eyes penetrated his soul as if she were seeking to dominate him, and he told him about the way she showed up the next morning when he was playing the piano.

He thought about it. She might as well be the second cause. Or even the first. Cause? Cause to what, you ask? It's a weird story. Something like the Faust or alike. Something beyond the line of natural and expected reasoning. Love lies beyond that line, but so does ambition, charisma and all kinds of power, good and bad. Cause. She introduced a rupture in his somewhat stable life. It may have been a first rupture. It affected mind and body. It had a very short but devastating effect. It caused only a minor scratch, but would have been fatal if it lasted a bit longer, or if circumstances had been different. The second encounter had a lighter impact, but the foundations were now very fragile and it may have been enough stress to cause the rupture and to mark the beginning of the end.

So now that the castle has become ruins, why not seek the cause? But let's forget that cause theory. Several outcomes are possible. It just seems to him to be the best one. "I'll try it lightly" he thinks. No desperation and no hurry. I'll try the seven outcomes one by one. One by one and side by side if time and space allow such events. Lightly. It's just a good candidate. The best so far, but losing a good amount of points because of geography and some attitudes. But they all lose, somehow. She's got the most points for an immediate and short term almost accidental attack. Her rivals are just chance: the chance of finding that one at random, somewhere in the world, during a quick vacation.

He doesn't really want to get involved now. He wants a quick and deep unforgettable encounter. He wants to leave some seeds planted. He wants the seeds to germinate and to grow dependent on his fertilizers. He wants the seeds to grow during a year, with occasional fertilizations, but during the year, he wishes to explore other jungles and increase his universe.

"Only an hour left" he thought. He didn't expect the way things happened. He thought it would be more difficult. He thought the outcome would be more impersonal. He thought that chemical and mystical energy had dissipated, but it is as if it were at its maximum. He had to control himself. He had to act as if nothing, nothing were happening. He had a busy day there. The hours have gone by. Maybe it's time for a phone call. Just to see what's going on. Just to see if the energy only wished to turn itself into words or if it desires something else.

(January 2004)

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