Thursday, February 25, 2010

A geeky invitation

Half-dutch, half-cannibal, Mauritz Tapiaguaçu is obviously a mad scientist. Like all mad scientists he dwells in an urban cave nearby where he works day and night inventing things. He invents all kinds of things. Things you can touch and things you can’t; things you can only imagine, things that may touch you deeply.

He thinks and thinks, scribbles and scribbles, and when he can, he mixes the ingredients, ignites the electrodes and triggers the reactions. As a good scientist, he measures the effects, but doesn’t always write them down (sometimes he does, but only some can decipher them.)

Oh, yes. I forgot. Sometimes he eats the results, but that’s because he is also a cannibal.

Oh, but he does serious research! Right now he is working on what he calls the nonsense generator. It is a very, very simple Java algorithm which should be capable, when completed, of writing self-help books automatically without human intervention. It will be a great success and he may get rich.

But his favorite invention is the time machine. Although he hasn’t worked much on it lately, two days ago he accidentally discovered a new never-used-before time-twisting artifact, but it remains untested. He needs edible volunteers with a scientific view of life.

(No, no, no! Don’t fuck it up, Mauritz!)

Ok, the volunteers need not be edible. After a dozen or so calculations he arrived at the conclusion that there are only two requirements: 1) that the candidate should practice some kind of martial art, preferably asian kickboxing of some sort; 2) that the candidate should enjoy cold Portuguese green wine on a hot and damp December night (at the price of perhaps not kicking and boxing for a day).

Since he is a mad, mad, mad scientist, he is obviously a shy and socially inapt geek, and has no ability to convince his potential candidates of his good intentions, but he is a good and fun fellow, and you’ll have a great time if you can see him beyond these stereotypes. I wrote this email for him (he was too shy to do it himself). Do reply if you accept the invitation.

(December 2006)